Sticky Notes

I love sticky notes.
Big sticky notes. Small sticky notes.
Pink sticky notes. Blue sticky notes.
Sticky notes with pictures.
And picture shaped sticky notes.

Indeed the office is a perfect avenue to explore my new addiction, one which i have recently been made aware of. Truthfully I should have seen it coming as my fascination with paper products really started at a young age. Ever since I can remember I have written in a diary or a journal of some kind. A sacred place to unleash my heartfelt dreams and keep track of which boy was "the love of my life" for that week.

That gave way to the seemingly harmless excitement of school supply shopping every fall and the quest to find the coolest duo tang which would be filled with crisp white paper and seamless margins just begging to be written on.

Scribblers graduated to loose leaf,
Excitement lead to desire,
And before I knew it I had a full fledged addiction on my hands.

Notebooks are my latest fix and if Notebooks anonymous existed, I'd be leading it.

It's not so much that I love notebooks of every kind, big, small, lines, blank, hard cover or leather bound. It's that when I walk into a store, I HAVE to buy one.
Even if I don't need it.
I WANT IT!

I don't use them right away. Some I carefully store and hold out for the prime event in which that style will surely match. Others I carry with me everywhere I go.
In my purse alone I have a weekly day timer, a daily day timer, a "to do" book, a budget book, a journal for ideas, and a not pad (for random notes).

"You must be so organized!" you say.
No......No I'm not.
So now as I lean back in my chair and stretch my legs out under the desk, I enjoy the colorful collage of sticky notes I have created before me.
I feel I am justified in my new found addiction.
I don't smoke, don't do drugs and am not a big drinker.
I even limit myself to one cup of coffee a day......surely i can afford myself a paper passion.
Now I have come to my last 7 sticky notes of the day and I have decided to put the best message I can think of on them........
"Hey Boss we're all out of sticky notes!"

Computers

The World of technology is a fascinating beast with countless avenues, remarkable leaps, and profound possibilities.
It also happens to be one I wouldn't understand if my life depended on it.

Perhaps it is because i grew up in the apple generation when screens were green, letters were orange and floppy disks were the size of your hand.
Or maybe I just prefer writing letters over email, research at the library over surfing the net, and using my day timer instead of a pom pilot.

The truth of it all is, computers scare the shit out of me and the thing that bothers me most at my 31 years of age is, I don't know how I got so far behind.

Its like it was only yesterday that I was rocking out to New Kids on the Block with my sony sports walkman, walked into a store for half and hour to buy some spandex and a fluorescent pink shirt, came out and suddenly we had built a space station on the moon, created small hand held computers, and built a tiny two door car that efficiently saves space in parking.

The thing is I had good reason.
I was working on my career as a multifaceted actress on the stage and in films and tv. I was taking tap classes, yoga, and tai chi to harness my creative energy.
I was spending countless hours memorizing lines, rehearsing plays and auditioning characters. While NASA was sending a rover to Mars, I was performing voice exercises and networking with local producers.

Does it really matter that the only real part I got was an alien in a Chinese horror film? No.
The point is...I was growing, getting better and expanding at every corner.
Evidently so was technology.

If there is a point of no return, a point at which you may as well quit while you're ahead cause you'll never learn it now, I'm there.

My realization of this came surprisingly before I entered the work force again as a secretary, It was around the same time my grandmother asked me how to copy and paste her letter and I told her to highlight and press. Ctrl+Alt+Delete.
Perhaps I should have really clued in when my brothers conquered ultimate NHL hockey with real looking hockey players, and I couldn't get to level 2 on Tetris.
Well, I'm here now. Working in an office as a secretary. May as well make the best of it.
A part of me was wishing to be back in the restaurant where the only computer work I had to do was ring in the special of the day along with a glass of wine and press send.
I guessed it would be irresponsible to call up my temp agency and say,"you never mentioned I'd have to work on computers."

I decided it was a learning curve I would just have to accept.

Today, my new friend Gerry in dispatch has taken it upon himself to help me understand excel. Bless his heart.
It is truly a great help to me, as my understanding of spreadsheets are only the kind in the linen section at Wallmart.
Gerry is a patient man, and I am no liar. I am , however, a people pleaser so that makes answering questions, on unfamiliar territory, tricky.
Luckily I have been in this kind of situation before where I don't want to lie, but I don't want to come across as a total bimbo.
I have learned to get creative with my responses.
"Have you used excel before?" Gerry started.
" Yes," I replied confidently,"but it was a very long time ago."

Not a lie. I have indeed opened in my tool bar, thought it looked interesting and useful, and closed it. And it was a long time ago. I just used the "very" for emphasis.

If my plan worked he would take my cue, knowing how advanced excel would have become over the years and although I am smart enough to have used it then.....fast technology was certainly to blame now.

Unfortunately for me, excel hasn't changed a bit.
So Gerry continued with the lesson, figuring I was right there with him.
To be honest I couldn't even repeat what he said because computer language to me is like a foreign Japanese film with Italian subtitles. I didn't have a clue what was going on.
My world started to spin and I could feel one of my panic attacks coming on. Just as i started surfing the room for a paper bag, Gerry looked at me and said the words that were music to my ears.
"If I start to loose you, stop me at any point."
Great. My window of opportunity.
I figured I should at least give the man a bit of a head start before I put on the brakes. Maybe if I heard the word something would click.
But after about 5 minutes the only clicking that occurred was my fingernails on the desk as I nervously waited to my chance to jump in.
"Hang on Gerry," I decided to come clean, "you lost me."
"Okay," Gerry patiently halted the process, "where did i loose you?"

This was one of those character defining moments. Those moments where you have a choice to be strong and tell the truth cause it's the right thing to do, or lie and hope you don't get caught.
I decided I am a bad liar.
"Somewhere after you said...here's how excel works."
There it was. The truth. Would it get me fired? Possibly.
But Gerry being the man of character he is just chuckled and said gently,
"Well I guess we have a bit of work to do eh?"
I didn't want to tell him that I was secretly praying for an electrical storm that would spark a malfunction in the inner electrical system shutting down all the office computers.
I just smiled and simply said,
"Yes. Yes I do."
Perhaps with some hard work, a good mentor, and a lot of patience I can instill a desire to understand technology.
I mean, I HAVE always wanted to know what a gigabyte is, and I really should take my brothers advice and get on skype.
Maybe this world won't be as dark and foreboding as i think it will be. I just need to put my mind to it.
Besides it really can help my future.
I don't want to be afraid to buy a Blackberry because I don't know how to turn it on, or get angry that I can't figure out why my stereo won't play because I've put the cord in the aux.
No.
This is where it ends. No excuses. No wavering.
I will stand tall in the face of my previous enemy!
Yes, I WILL conquer my technology battle!


Well it's lunch time here at the ole office so off I go.
Oh man.....Gerry's coming with the travel drive. Gotta run. Must find a safe hiding place!

The President

As we all know there are different names to classify the "head" of something. In the restaurant we call it a manager, the theater we call it a director. We even have funny names we've created like "Head Hancho" "Big Kahuna" and "The Boss."

But the one that trumps them all....is "The President"

Well Today the president was coming. And that changes my day completely.
After yesterday I realized it would be in my best interest to bring whatever I could find to keep me busy so it would take my mind off the big clock in front and its haunting second hand that is a constant reminder it's not lunch time yet.
So as I left the house today, I sported my big red book bag that I only bring out when I'm really busy, and filled it with an array of fun things.
I had an I pod, a pad of paper, a book, some cards, and a pack of stickers.
I was proud of my preparation.
The Objective: To conquer office bordeom.
I got to work, slid into my desk and started to unload my extra carricular activities for the day.

No sooner had i place my things neatly out in front of me, I saw a tubby man with spikey hair, thick glasses and a freshly pressed suit walking toward me with a hint of panic in his eyes.
It was my boss. I didn't recognize him. He usually wears Khakis and a t-shirt.
"What are you doing here? I casually asked knowing full well he wasn't supposed to be here as his flight to Montreal was leaving in T-3 hours.
"The President is coming," he simply replied and ducked quickly into his office.

Now I have a very overactive imagination as well as an oversensitivity to reading peoples emotions. Combined with years of self- analyzing and therapy and this is what I interpreted.
“The President of the world will be making his way to the office. It is very important that you do not look at him directly in the eyes because he is a BIG TALL executive who wears suits that cost at least $10, 000. Do not even breath in his presence. If you break any of these rules, giant lazer beams will come out of his eyes and he will KILL you!

Damn I wish I had washed my hair today.

I took a deep breath and tried to remember the three most important questions my mom used to ask me when I felt like the sky was falling.
Have you had enough sleep? Check. Have you been eating properly? Check check. Are you on your period?
BINGO!
A big sigh of relief as I realized that in reality I was probably overreacting.
I’m sure the president wasn’t going to kill me.
The minute I decidedly put to rest this important piece of information, the other office employees started to file in, all of them dressed sharply in business attire.
Yup, a shower would have been good too.
Suddenly, a large booming voice from the office across from me.
“Erika, when you get a minute we need to chat.”
It was my boss.
I meekly walked into his well lit office, plunked myself down in a comfy high back chair across from him, and awaited his response.
“So”, he started, “here’s the deal. The president of Canada is coming.”
Wait a second….I know I didn’t really pay attention in social studies, and I know about as much about politics as I do about winged creatures in the rainforest. But I’m pretty sure there ain’t no president of…..
“The company,” said Boss.”in Canada.”
He must have recognized the the blank look on my face.
Ah yes….that made more sense.
“So,” he continued, “there is something important that we haven't trained you on yet that you’ll need to know.”
Not bad , not bad…..sounded like a job was involved…..learning….responsibility….this could be good.
I eagerly listened on.
“It’s a safety orientation that you need to take people though when they come into the building. So when the president comes today, it’s important you are trained and prepared to take him through it. I’ll show you what you need to say, you can take notes, and we'll practice run it a couple of times before he gets here.”
Well this just couldn't be more awesome!
I might as well have been asked to be the star of my own show!
I’ll get a script, my director will tell me how he wants it portrayed. I’ll memorize, improve a little, rehearse and when the president comes it’s lights, camera, ACTION!”

My acting juices started kicking into high gear. I wondered how he would feel about a Hungarian accent I’ve been working on.
No Erika. Don’t get carried away. Just memorize and listen to your director. He’ll tell you everything you need to know.
We got up from the desk and I patiently waited as Boss found me the safety protocol sheet (aka my script) with the list of things I needed to say.
It was longer than I expected.
I may need more time to do my best work.
“First things first, he said, "safety numbers are on the wall.”
A one liner. Great! Been doing one line auditions for the past 8 years… I can totally do this!
“Here we have our emergency contacts, services and action plan.”
Mmmmmmhmm….action plan….enter into the ole noggin.

"And outside we have the muster station where we will meet at that yellow sign.”
Muster….mustard yellow sign….memory by association. Got it.
I was just about to ask what a muster station was, never having worked in an office before I figured it was the lunch room, when he continued with….
“ There is an emergency exit in the front and two in the back. You need to familiarize yourself with the evacuation route, so if you hear a horn you must exit quickly, get to the muster station and wait until emergency protocol has taken place. Whatever you do, do NOT re-enter the danger zone until authorized.
Ok hold up.
I completely dropped out of my acting zone by certain key words that brought me back to the present.
Evacuation routes. Emergency protocol. Exit quickly. Danger zone? What is this place?
I quickly realized I really knew nothing about this company that I was working for.
My imagination started to run again. This time it was after an extra large cup of coffee.

Omigod this is bad.
What happens if the perimeter of the building is surrounded by oil that has been leaking unnoticed for years and the guy in the back lights a cigarette and is isn’t fully put out and it lights a small fire in the grass which ignites the flares releasing a chemical that seeps into the ground creating a compound molecule that comes into contact with the leaking underground oil and causes a huge explosion flattening every building on 76th ave leaving nothing but ruble, a few startled cockroaches, and my funky silver ring that is apparently indestructible!!

I subconsciously started to click my heels together and chant, “there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.”

I wondered what my mother would do when she heard the news.
What can you do but buy a pretty vase, come down to the place of destruction, scoop up some ashes and say "well....hope that's her!"

Again my brief overexaggerated death scene was promptly brought back to life with the Boss's words.
"Ok lets practice it a couple of times" then added and encouraging, "you'll do just fine."

I gave myself a shake. Time to man up and focus on the job at hand. an the job job at hand was to successfully take the president through safety protocol. Good.
So with my imagination in check, I proceeded to clumsily attempt practice rounds with three unsuspecting staff employees.
I was just starting to feel my confidence rising when the announcement came.
"He just pulled up in the back."

It was go time. It's now or never. the only thing I hadn't worked out was how do I greet the Canadian President of one of the largest oil companies in the world. Do I salute him? Say good day? Greetings? Nanu nanu?
I was almost ready when I could hear the echo of expensive leather shoes walking confidently down the hall. He's here.
I stood up. Patted down my hair and extended my hand to meet this high profile, well respected....
"Tom?"
It was Tom from shipping.
Is everyone in business suits today?
And then my ears tuned into something entirely different. I couldn't quite make it out at first. It started as a long drone, almost a whiny sound. It was coming closer. I could hear laughter, a few words I couldn't make out, more laughter......and then......
"Well hellooo there darlin! How the heck are ya?"
A short stalky man barreled around the corner dressed in a casual polo shirt with shiny pens lining the pocket, and an over sized cowboy hat obviously covering the mans thinning hair.
He spoke loudly with a thick southern drawl. Boss's wink behind him assured me this was the man.
That's when I learned the Canadian President was from Texas.
Unfortunately for me, my Canadian greeting I had prepared,"Howsit goin eh?" was not going to fly.
The formalities flew by quickly as he was a man on a mission, and I went straight into my well rehearsed one woman show. The words flew out of my mouth with ease and I only had to look at my 6 sticky note cheat sheet once.
Success! I nailed it!
I hadn't felt that good since playing a munchkin in the Wizard of Oz.
And the best part was my director was happy.
Wanting to take a bow but knowing it was probably inappropriate, I opted for a bright smile, wished them on there way and sat casually bat my desk as though I had done it for years.
They walked down the hall but not before Boss turned to me, winked, and said
"Good job kiddo, good job."

So as the day comes to a close I relax a little, try not to count down the last hour, and relish in the days events.
I realize I may not be working on a Hollywood movie set and I'm not auditioning for Broadway yet. But at the office here you have to keep your acting skills honed and a professional attitude because you never know when the President is coming.

The Office Temp

Although it is not actually my first day as a "Temp", it is my third and therefore I feel I have enough experience to give an opinion.
I can safely say without a shadow of a doubt, undeniably, no questions asked and without bias......I'm bored.
"The Temp" or "temporary assistant" is a tough position because it's really somewhere between homelessness and a real job. Here are some major differences that are important to note between a temp, and a REAL secretary.

#1. Unlike a real secretary, the office temp is not given any of the glorious, meaningful day to day responsibilities and "tasks."
Some would consider this most excellent.
I however think it is the worst kind of torcher.
Not only am I waking up at the crack of dawn, so early that even my stomach sais no to food (which never happens), I get up, have a hot shower and slide uneasily into the confines of my skin tone sausage casing, more traditionally known as "nylons."
I sleepily decide what I am to wear out of my two office outfits, down some day old coffee, and prepare myself for the news. Is this a morning that my 88 year old grandmother who is still driving with exuberant enthusiasm and shouldn't be, bless her heart, drive me to work whilst I pray for my life as we dodge cars on the freeway and she tell me again why Germany makes the best clothes.....or......
will I get the car for the day?

The answer is A. Evidently Oma has errands to run. She's driving. My life flashes before my eyes.
Finally after arriving in one piece (whew) I hike up my nylons that have now traveled down to my knees, sit behind my huge "temporary" desk, roll up my sleeves, and inhale deeply to prepare myself for the work that lays ahead.
Stacks upon stacks......
of nothing......nada.....zip....zilch.......zero.
It took me 11 staff members, 4 phone calls, and some serious begging with my best puppy dog eyes to extract work out of these guys.
Well my acting classes have paid off because I got work.
I have never been so excited to see a stack of files that needed to be organized.
It was a 20 min job. I eagerly stretched it to 40.
The highlight of my day is when the phone rings every so often asking for someone in the office, it takes everything in me to replace what I want to say which is,
"Hello Ted! How's it hangin over there in shipping? How's your wife Ted? Do you got any kids? Where are you from anyway? What's your view on global warming?"
and replace it with...
"Sure Ted, he's here....I'll page him."

#2. You don't officially have a job yet, and your not really sure how long this one is gonna pan out for so you're still keeping an eye out for your other options and their pros and cons.
example a) Bank clerk
Pro- look professional while handling lots of money.
Con- Banks get robbed
example b) Post office mail carrier
Pro- great money, good benefits and daily exercise
Con- Post men get bitten by dogs
example c)Event Coordinator
Pro- fancy job title
Con- Its a bullshit name for a minimum wage hostess position
example d)Fitness Consultant
Pro- consulting people in fitness for $3000 a month
Con- as long as you sell 750 memberships.
So knowing that my other options are one step away from a three ringed circus, I humbly choose to stay temping and pray this turns into something permanent.

#3. You don't buy wardrobe to fit the bill because tomorrow you might be suiting up with a collard polo shirt and black visor with a big yellow M on the front, so you keep working with the modest selection of "office wear"(2 outfits) and try to mix and match them with different hair and jewelery. By the end of the week you have used every combination possible, but 7 days is long enough for everyone to forget what you were wearing Monday and you can start all over.
The real upside is your clothes are already pressed from the one time you ironed them. You don't even have to wash them....a little flower deodorant and a quick spray of fabreeze and your good to go for at least 3 weeks.

#4. Lunches. This is a new one for me having lived in Vancouver and worked in restaurants for the past eight years. i have become accustomed to always having prime, amazing food at my fingertips. There were always a handful of yummy options near by.
Fresh, delicious sushi, like it was just caught off the boat.
Organically grown spinach salads with hand picked juicy strawberries and local creamy goat cheese...the best you have ever tasted.
Traditional mouth watering Indian lathered in sauce and laced with spice.
And of course there is the local market where most everything is brought in fresh daily from surrounding farms.
And then there's Edmonton.
Now again, I'm temping so I don't want to buy lunch in bulk just in case tomorrow I'm standing over a deep frier yelling "Combo 23 is up!"
So I resort to my daily options.
Sushi would be great but the only body of water in these parts is the Fort Saskatchewan River, in which they have said anyone who has gone overboard in the past 5 years should be checked by a doctor. So my safest bet is canned Tuna from Alaska.
The closest thing Edmonton has to traditional Indian would be going to your local 7 11. You will probably be greeted by a real Indian and it will be service with a smile. Word to the wise....stay away from the hot dogs....i don't think its real meat!
As for fresh fruit an vegetables there is the local Safeway and truly it is the "safest way "to go.
Your apples may be so waxy you can see your face in them and they may be from Kansas, but it is your best bet.
Today I had a B.C. Salmon sandwich with an apple from Kansas, a banana from Greece and a Tomato from Chile.
At least I'm worldly.

Well for now, until I have hopes of a real job, I will continue to work hard where I can and do lots of research to help my chances of getting a permanent position. I've rented the whole first season of "The Office" so that should totally help.