Computers

The World of technology is a fascinating beast with countless avenues, remarkable leaps, and profound possibilities.
It also happens to be one I wouldn't understand if my life depended on it.

Perhaps it is because i grew up in the apple generation when screens were green, letters were orange and floppy disks were the size of your hand.
Or maybe I just prefer writing letters over email, research at the library over surfing the net, and using my day timer instead of a pom pilot.

The truth of it all is, computers scare the shit out of me and the thing that bothers me most at my 31 years of age is, I don't know how I got so far behind.

Its like it was only yesterday that I was rocking out to New Kids on the Block with my sony sports walkman, walked into a store for half and hour to buy some spandex and a fluorescent pink shirt, came out and suddenly we had built a space station on the moon, created small hand held computers, and built a tiny two door car that efficiently saves space in parking.

The thing is I had good reason.
I was working on my career as a multifaceted actress on the stage and in films and tv. I was taking tap classes, yoga, and tai chi to harness my creative energy.
I was spending countless hours memorizing lines, rehearsing plays and auditioning characters. While NASA was sending a rover to Mars, I was performing voice exercises and networking with local producers.

Does it really matter that the only real part I got was an alien in a Chinese horror film? No.
The point is...I was growing, getting better and expanding at every corner.
Evidently so was technology.

If there is a point of no return, a point at which you may as well quit while you're ahead cause you'll never learn it now, I'm there.

My realization of this came surprisingly before I entered the work force again as a secretary, It was around the same time my grandmother asked me how to copy and paste her letter and I told her to highlight and press. Ctrl+Alt+Delete.
Perhaps I should have really clued in when my brothers conquered ultimate NHL hockey with real looking hockey players, and I couldn't get to level 2 on Tetris.
Well, I'm here now. Working in an office as a secretary. May as well make the best of it.
A part of me was wishing to be back in the restaurant where the only computer work I had to do was ring in the special of the day along with a glass of wine and press send.
I guessed it would be irresponsible to call up my temp agency and say,"you never mentioned I'd have to work on computers."

I decided it was a learning curve I would just have to accept.

Today, my new friend Gerry in dispatch has taken it upon himself to help me understand excel. Bless his heart.
It is truly a great help to me, as my understanding of spreadsheets are only the kind in the linen section at Wallmart.
Gerry is a patient man, and I am no liar. I am , however, a people pleaser so that makes answering questions, on unfamiliar territory, tricky.
Luckily I have been in this kind of situation before where I don't want to lie, but I don't want to come across as a total bimbo.
I have learned to get creative with my responses.
"Have you used excel before?" Gerry started.
" Yes," I replied confidently,"but it was a very long time ago."

Not a lie. I have indeed opened in my tool bar, thought it looked interesting and useful, and closed it. And it was a long time ago. I just used the "very" for emphasis.

If my plan worked he would take my cue, knowing how advanced excel would have become over the years and although I am smart enough to have used it then.....fast technology was certainly to blame now.

Unfortunately for me, excel hasn't changed a bit.
So Gerry continued with the lesson, figuring I was right there with him.
To be honest I couldn't even repeat what he said because computer language to me is like a foreign Japanese film with Italian subtitles. I didn't have a clue what was going on.
My world started to spin and I could feel one of my panic attacks coming on. Just as i started surfing the room for a paper bag, Gerry looked at me and said the words that were music to my ears.
"If I start to loose you, stop me at any point."
Great. My window of opportunity.
I figured I should at least give the man a bit of a head start before I put on the brakes. Maybe if I heard the word something would click.
But after about 5 minutes the only clicking that occurred was my fingernails on the desk as I nervously waited to my chance to jump in.
"Hang on Gerry," I decided to come clean, "you lost me."
"Okay," Gerry patiently halted the process, "where did i loose you?"

This was one of those character defining moments. Those moments where you have a choice to be strong and tell the truth cause it's the right thing to do, or lie and hope you don't get caught.
I decided I am a bad liar.
"Somewhere after you said...here's how excel works."
There it was. The truth. Would it get me fired? Possibly.
But Gerry being the man of character he is just chuckled and said gently,
"Well I guess we have a bit of work to do eh?"
I didn't want to tell him that I was secretly praying for an electrical storm that would spark a malfunction in the inner electrical system shutting down all the office computers.
I just smiled and simply said,
"Yes. Yes I do."
Perhaps with some hard work, a good mentor, and a lot of patience I can instill a desire to understand technology.
I mean, I HAVE always wanted to know what a gigabyte is, and I really should take my brothers advice and get on skype.
Maybe this world won't be as dark and foreboding as i think it will be. I just need to put my mind to it.
Besides it really can help my future.
I don't want to be afraid to buy a Blackberry because I don't know how to turn it on, or get angry that I can't figure out why my stereo won't play because I've put the cord in the aux.
No.
This is where it ends. No excuses. No wavering.
I will stand tall in the face of my previous enemy!
Yes, I WILL conquer my technology battle!


Well it's lunch time here at the ole office so off I go.
Oh man.....Gerry's coming with the travel drive. Gotta run. Must find a safe hiding place!